Total Blank
I don’t know what today’s date is. Or
yesterday’s and certainly not tomorrow’s date. Sometimes I imagine that this
situation happens, but for no apparent reason. I wake up and start wondering
about nothing in particular. Just being aware. The bedside clock tells me that
it is not yet five o’clock on the 19th January though it feels the
right time to start the day. Something bothers me about this time and it just
seems earlier than my usual waking time though oddly, it does feel that this
time is normal.
Staring out of the bedroom window into the
brightness the view is quite new to me as though I am in a strange place, even
though I feel that it should be familiar. I start wondering where I am. Colours
are very vivid with the shadows from the trees striking the lush green grass. I
remember nothing about myself or where I am or what I should do next.
Instinctively, I know where to find my clothes and get dressed, yet I have
absolutely no idea about why I am doing these things.
I feel I know
things, but just not where I am or who I am. I don’t even know how to search my
memory for what I did last. The view out of my window could have changed, but I
can’t recall what it was like just now. My moment is now and I simply exist in
this moment. And then it’s gone. Replaced by another moment. Now. This
strangely has a very calming effect even though it is slightly worrying. Yet
only worrying as my curiosity cannot find any answers that satisfy that
curiosity. Puzzling and calming at the same time.
Past, present
and future are terms that I have heard about though they blend into simply a
sense of being. Awareness. Wherever I am. I may be irritated about what I feel
though it is fascinating and not in the slightest bit frightening. It feels as
though I should be scared, but curiously I am only curious. Another glance out
of the window and nothing seems to have changed and I think I am still wearing
the clothes that I had put on a moment ago. Doubt enters my mind. What clothes
did I put on? Are these the same ones that I had climbed into a few minutes ago
or different ones? And when was that? It could be minutes or hours ago.
I still don’t
feel any sense of panic yet imagine that I should. But I don’t.
The clock has
moved on by a just few minutes to ten minutes after five on the 20th
January and I feel comfortable by knowing who I am and where I am, at home in
the south of England in Winter. I rolled over in my bed and went back to sleep
with the thought that it must be quite terrible to lose your identity.
© Louis Brothnias (2008)